Monkeys Typing Shakespeare

Monkey Business News

The SIMI Project, no stranger to scandal, is now facing the prospect of bankruptcy, an SEC investigation and the possibility of having to lay off half of its monkeys after Dr. Safran revealed at a recent board meeting that the organization will need to restate earnings by more than 3 million bananas.

FBI Agents take a break after searching Dr. Safran’s office.

The SIMI Project, the largest monkey typing Shakespearian research center in the world, had claimed earnings in excess of 10 million bananas over the last four quarters. However, due in part to screwy accounting practices, downright deception and overall bad bookkeeping, the organization could actually be facing a huge banana deficit and not the overabundance of the mellow yellows as previously claimed.

Dr. Safran, having packed up several large suitcases filled with banana slurry was seen leaving the institute in a green van with several of his closest monkeys. FBI agents swarmed the building and began hauling away boxes of records and monkey chow.

Shares of A Monkey, Inc., the parent company and main money laundering service to the SIMI Project, plummeted to less than nothing after nervous shareholders began paying to dump their stock. Before trading was halted, the stock had fallen below the negative two dollar mark. Investors must now pay $2.12 to rid themselves of each share of A Monkey, Inc. stock.

Dr. Safran’s parents have publicly disavowed any knowledge of their son’s birth. However, days before the shortcomings in banana revenue were revealed, they mysteriously transferred all of their monkey shares into Enron, Tyco, WorldCom, Global Crossing, AOL and ImClone stock. Martha Stewart was not available for comment. However, she is not related to Dr. Safran in any way– except, maybe, for their love of prosciutto, decorative table settings and each other.

With the institute in shambles, Dr. Safran nowhere to be found and 97 hungry monkeys refusing to type, the SIMI Project is relying solely on the hard work and dedication of its legions of monkey trainers from around the world. However, confidence is shaken.

Developing…